dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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