I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
