is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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