Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
