Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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