you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
