I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
