life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
