I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
