You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
