you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
