Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
