Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
