i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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