my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
