saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
the liver wants what the liver wants
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
