In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
