Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
