Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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