Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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