Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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