yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
