It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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