I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
