Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
