I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
