...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We are two peas in an std pod
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
