people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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