Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
you never un-have a 4some
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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