sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
