so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
did i walk over a car last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
