I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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