then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
