Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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