Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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