Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
