i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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