): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
