remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
