I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
