I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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