i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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