SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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