I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
