I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
