your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize