If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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