I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize