cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
