It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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