New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
