Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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