i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Who died my cat blue again?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
