I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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