hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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