OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
