Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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