So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
